What is most important to us?
At the very heart of preventing and transforming conflict is giving attention to our inner life. Within the clarity of ‘what matter most’ resides our moral center, the source of our integrity. When our integrity is in tack, we can face the challenges of life from a place of inner peace, intelligence and wisdom.
So, what is the most important thing to us? What is our deepest desire for ourselves and those we love?
Many will say we want to be successful. However, when we think about it more deeply, we want success because we care about happiness and fulfillment for ourselves and those most dear to us.
Ultimately, isn’t it the quality of inner life that matters, our own inner life and that of those we love?
The Art of Transforming Conflict begins with listening, first listening to ourselves because as the quality of our inner life deepens, the quality of our outer life follows.
Conflicts arise because in that moment there are apparent differences that matter. We feel separate and that sense of separation triggers habits of self-protection that often take us down a familiar road.
Recall an argument with a spouse or teen-age family member. Notice that once it began, we already knew where we were headed because we have been down this road so many times before. We knew right away, it was not going to end well.
It is through catching ourselves, pausing to remember what we truly care about that establishes the ground for effectively addressing differences.
We move from that which separates us and to that which unites us.
When remembered, that alone will take us a long way toward realizing our true goal.
Start with those we love because when we develop new habits based for those most dear to us, those habits will begin to extend themselves to our conflicts with colleagues, neighbors and strangers.
As a concept, this information will not change us. What matters is testing it and observing the feedback we get from Life.
New habits
Through the feedback we receive, new habits form. As habits are reinforced, they become ‘a way of life’, a transformed approach to conflict, an approach from the inside out rather than outside in… from what separate us to what connect us.
It opens us to listening, to hearing want matters to the other and when they experience being heard, the common ground of respect will take us a long way toward wise outcomes.
There is a deep need in people to be ‘seen’…to be heard. It is the foundation for building relationships and the source of our leadership, our influence.
In that moment of being ‘seen’, the conflict has been transformed and trust deepened.
Begin by understanding conflict as a natural part of daily life.
Then, look forward to the next conflict as an opportunity to strengthen relationships and test our own growth as a wise leader. Be prepared to pause, perhaps take a deep breath as you connect to that which is the best in you before continuing.
Five approaches for addressing conflict
Once we are in touch with what truly matters, a decision arises. What approach is needed for this unique situation?
According to Thomas and Kilmann’s (1974) model, there are five approaches for dealing with conflict that include avoidance, accommodation, competing, compromising and collaborating.
Each of these has a proper place based on the situation.
For example:
Avoidance: When the situation is too dangerous for engagement, avoidance is the wisest response. It may be that there is the potential for violence. If there is clear danger to either party, avoidance is prudent. In this case, it is more than the brief pause suggested above. Avoidance is also appropriate when the issue is relatively unimportant to all parties or we recognize that it will resolve itself.
Accommodation: When a specific outcome is very important to the other party and not important to us, accommodation is act of graciousness. We accommodate the other out of love for their wellbeing.
Competing: When we are in a formal leadership position and there is information that can’t legally be share with our followers, making decisions in the face of strong opposition may be necessary. Also, there are times when something is so important to us than we cannot in good conscious compromise.
Compromising: When time pressures do not allow us to fully work through differences, compromise makes sense. In compromise, each gives up something in order to come to an agreement that allows us to move on. Or, when the issue is relatively small such as in haggling over price at a flea market.
Collaborating: When the quality of the ongoing relationship is especially important and there is sufficient time to fully work through differences in a creative and mutually satisfying way, this is the most satisfying approach.
Note: Within our family of origin, we developed ways of dealing with conflict. It is often remains the style most comfortable for us. See if you recognize your preferred style so that the next time there is a conflict, you can discern which style is most appropriate rather than the one most comfortable.
Conclusion
All five of these conflict styles can be conducted from that place of deep respect regardless of their importance and the amount of time needed. This is not a strategy but a way of living consistent with our inner life, consistent with our integrity.
There will be times when you fail to live from what matters most. In those cases, when possible, making amends will also contribute to the quality of our own life and that of those we may have unintentionally hurt.
This approach is about our inner life, what we want for ourselves and those in our sphere of influence.
Is there anything more satisfying than to be a presence of peace and wisdom in our families, community and organizations?
Reference
Thomas, K. W., & Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Xicom.
